The Moron Theory – Part I

This is my first post to wordpress. I had been actively posting on http://bakwaswani.blogspot.com, which will still continue to be the place for my short stories. However, I wanted to give a try to wordpress as it certainly looks very cool and provides  much cooler editing options. Also, have seen some really cool blogs on it.

Now this post called “The Moron Theory” is just a fun posts which just takes a dig at some new ways people live and interact these days. This will be a series of 6 posts which will be making fun of one aspect at one time. This is just a fun content and all references in this post are fake so don’t try to make sense of it as most of it is anyway bakwas. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the moron theory.

So having nothing better to do in this weekend, I wanted to do some research. Since some economists had done some research on cricket that placed some unheard cricketers above Sachin Tendulkar, so I too decided to put some research about things I don’t exactly know. I wanted to do some research that can finally help categorize people as intelligent and stupids. On digging into it I realized it was stupid to try categorizing people as intelligent and non-intelligent as everything in this world is relative. So no person is outright intelligent, however the reverse is not true as there are persons who are outright stupids. So I decided to put some mathematics into it. Finally after a couple of hours of pondering and four shots of whiskey I reached upon a term to define a person’s degree of moronity. I decided to call it the ‘Coefficient of Moronity’ also known as the ‘Moronity Coefficient’ or the ‘RGV coefficient’ (I have not yet come up with the expansion of this). I decided the symbol of this coefficient to be ?.  The ? will not be an universal  term for anyone but in fact each one can derive a different ?  for the same person, so while for an educated person the ? for Arjun Singh will be 100 or near 100, but for a moron the coefficient may well be 91 or even less. Below is the further explanation of moron theory. (The moron theory applies equally to men and women at most places. However, for simplicity purposes most places person has been referred as he. I will take care to point out when some hypothesis only applies to one gender)

The value of ? will be greater than 0 and less then or equal to 100.

Thus  0< ? <= 100

So, I swallowed another shot and then derived some other coefficient which can be combined to get ?. The various coefficients that can further used to derive ? are:

1. Facebook Moronity coefficient (FMC): This factor is determined by the frequency of outrageous moronity displayed on Facebook. We will look into it deeper today.
2. Cellphone Moronity coefficient (CMC): This will take into account the moronity with which a person uses his mobile phone.
3. Movie Moronity coefficient (MMC) :This will take into account the dumb movies a person watches.
4. Appearance moronity coefficient (AMC): This will take into account the way a person talks and also the content he talks, his hairstyle, his clothes and his habits.
5. Intellectual moronity coefficient (IMC): This takes into account the books a person reads, the places he refers his knowledge and the way he shows to the world how intelligent he is.
6. X-Factor (RGV variant): This is an open area of research as of yet.

So to derive at ?, you need to calculate all the above coefficients for:

? = (FMC +CMC +MMC +AMC +IMC +RGV variant)*100/6

So let’s crack all these moronity coefficients one at a time in different volumes. Let’s have a look at FMC today.  So let’s say you have a person ‘x’ in your friend list on Facebook whose moronity coefficient you want to calculate. Listed are the steps in which you can go about it. In any step if you get a value more than 1, stop calculating and get rid of that person from your friend list.

Step I: Calculate a = (Number of times he has played stupid games  * Number of people he has invited to play this game)/ (Number of days he has been on facebook). This step needs to be done first as most of times for the biggest moron this number will be as high as 10 or 15. The logic behind this being, when there are tonnes of better online games to play what in the world are you doing to play this game. And to add to that you are cluttering other people’s live by inviting them to this shit. If a>1 the person’s FMC is 1, you do not need to calculate other variants, else go to Step II.

Step II: Calculate b = (Number of cause invites joined * Number of people invited by him to join these)/(Number of weeks he has been on Facebook)

In ideal world there would be nothing wrong and thus no invites to join causes. However, even if things are wrong the one way you cannot solve it is by joining pages and inviting people. “Against the murder of RTI activist”, even if a million join it, what will change, but morons can’t understand this. In case b >= 1 you have calculated FMC =1 and no need to go ahead, else go to step III

Step III: Calculate c = (Number of dumb status update in a day)/24.  Now as I already stated Moronity coefficient for a person won’t be a universal one, rather it will vary also with the person who calculated it. Thus each person can have a separate moronity coefficient for the same person. Thus the responsibility of choosing, what status message is dumb lies upon the calculator. However, here are some guidelines:

a)      “Going home” or “Reached home” is not dumb in case a person goes home once in months or more. However, for a person who returns home every day after work or after any activity, the update is dumb.

b)      If a joke is used as a status update, it is not dumb, only if it is really funny. Age old jokes on which only Siddhu can laugh are dumb.

c)       Cryptic messages, like “Me against myself”, “To be or not to be”, “we never get what we expect and we never want what we get”, etc. are outright dumb. If you think they are not then, seriously, get your head out of your ass and go see a psychiatrist.  What do people expect after putting such updates, maybe a question about what happened, maybe a few likes, overall nothing can hide the dumbness.

d)      Cricket scores, football scores, Man U, Chelsea shit etc. are useless updates unless something important has happened. Who cares whether Man U wins or Chelsea, and even if one does there are a lot of better places to get the update. Important events like India defeating Australia (in hockey) may make sense, but over all these are dumb.

e)      Movie reviews, unless the movie is really a RGV movie and u want to give a warning to your friends to not watch it or the movie is a masterpiece, is dumb. Noone cares about a review of a Jayed Khan or Fardeen Khan starrer.

One more factor that help us reach at this formula is that morons generally have a lot of time to waste, thus they can come up with various innocuous status updates. In case C>=1 leave the calculation and straightaway check your moron coefficient as to why such a person is even in your friend list. Else move to step IV.

Step IV) d = (Number of photos x uploaded)/(Number of days x  has been on Facebook)

Section 3, para 4 of “study of human moronity base on pattern recognition and Heisenberg uncertaintly principle” states that “A moron lives each moment of his life thinking how to make that moment more Facebook worthy”. Based on this philosophy it is an easy conclusion that a moron with higher Moronity coefficient will upload innocuous picture on Facebook. While an optimum number of photos for sharing with friends cannot be disputed, research shows that a person with higher moronity coefficient shows an increased inclination to click each and every moment available with his cheap camera cell for the sole purpose of uploading on Facebook. In case d>=1 stop the process and mark FMC = 1. Else move to step V.

Step V) If (x is not a guy) e = 0, else,

e = ((Number of photo comments like looking good/hot/sexy/beautiful/gorgeous made by x on photo uploaded by girls) –  (Number of photos in which the girl in question actually looked good/hot/sexy/beautiful/gorgeous in that photo)) / ( Number of photo comments like looking good/hot/sexy/beautiful/gorgeous made by x on photo uploaded by girl)

thus, e = 1- ((Number of photos in which the girl in question actually looked good/hot/sexy/beautiful/gorgeous in that photo) / ( Number of photo comments like looking good/hot/sexy/beautiful/gorgeous made by x on photo uploaded by girl))

Section 5, para 6, page 340, “A study of interdependence coefficient between a moron and a despo” states, “Research has generally proved that a despo generally is stupid and shows increased tendency to do activities which are not advisable in any good sense. Such creatures are rather easy to find and locate.”

This section is more of less self explanatory and needs no further explanation. Also to add another quote from the same book “The female species must make a note that just because some guy has told that they look beautiful or hot does not really mean that they look so. They must first confirm the despo coefficient of the guy before drawing their conclusion”. One good way of doing this is to check the guys’ connections and find the ugliest looking photo of a girl in that and then check the photo comment made by the guy. If he still says looking gorgeous or hot, you may want to recheck yourself.

Now we have enough data to calculate the FMC of x.

IF (A>1 or B>1 or C> 1 or D> 1 or E>1) then FMC(x) = 1;

Else

If (x is guy)

FMC(x) = (2*A+3*b+1*C+2*D+E)/9

Else

FMC(x) = (A+4*B+2*C+2*D)/9

The derivation of above formula is beyond the scope of this journal. To know more refer the Part II section 3 of “Using complex calculus to simplify measurement of human behavior” by Dr. A. Ragav of Stanford University.

Thus, we have learnt how to calculate FMC of a person based on his behavioral patterns. In the next article we will cover the technique of calculating MMC of a person.